Olympic opening ceremonies to be filmed in night vision

Beijing at 1 p.m.

With the levels of smog and pollution that exist within China, constantly darkening the sky to night-esque proportions, a decision has been made by the “execs” (short for executives) at NBC to film the opening ceremonies using night vision lenses. Reportedly, NBC had been pressuring China to install a brighter lighting system within the Olympic stadium for months in order to avoid such a drastic decision such as this, but these requests were repeatedly denied. Rumor geishas ("geisha" is a Chinese themed term for whore) have circulated speculations that the reason behind these denials is that Chinese officials believe brighter lights will illuminate just how terrible a country China actually is.

Despite the fact that the ceremonies will be embarrassingly broadcasted with night vision lenses, speculated ratings for the opening ceremonies are still predicted to be “as vast as the Great Wall,” according to Xing Ma, the Official Olympic Games Opening Ceremonies Television Ratings Speculator or OOGOCTRS. “Although,” Ma continued, “this is probably because the Chinese government is forcing us to keep our eyes glued to the telescreens upon punishment of death.”

In other related news, the Chinese Olympic team will not be walking during the opening ceremonies because the coaches do not want to, quote, “poison their athletes.”