Monday, October 13, 2008

Please Excuse Our Absense

We shall be returning soon. Please forgive us as we are very sorry for keeping you so uninformed this last month!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Local woman offering $500 for the head of the rabbit that’s been nipping at her petunias all summer

Cathy Wesley, a 57 year old woman living within the area, has recently posted fliers announcing a $500 dollar reward for anyone who can produce the head of a certain “pesky rabbit” who has been ruining her garden for the past couple months. Mrs. Wesley told reporters on the scene that at first she viewed the appearance of the rabbit among her flowers as “an adorable addition,” but over time the rabbit drove her to a point where she now believes it, quote, “just needs to be killed as soon as possible and preferably in front of its children so they don’t come back either.”

This apparently is not the first time Mrs. Wesley has taken a personal vendetta upon an intrusive critter. A couple months back she was visited by a woodland squirrel which she described as, “absolutely precious,” and “unbearably cute.” But after a few weeks of gathering acorns, the squirrel apparently moved on to Mrs. Wesley’s bird feeder, which as Mrs. Wesley likes to point out,

Blood will soon be spilled by Mrs. Wesley

is clearly marked “For Those With Feathers Only.” Mrs. Wesley then said in regards to the squirrel, “so that’s when I
wrung its neck and fed the carcass to my dog.”

Hillary Shepherd, an expert on women from the ages of 55-60
who take some sort of violent actions upon small forest based
creatures, stated that there has been a rising trend of women aged 55-60 “making the streets run rampant with the blood of adorable little creatures.”

When asked why she is hiring someone else to kill the pesky rabbit instead of doing the killing herself, Mrs. Wesley replied, “I’ve already had my fair share of experiences of seeing little furry animals die slowly within my fingertips. Now it’s time to allow someone else to learn this joy.”

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Sun disappears behind child’s raised thumb, Earth thrown into total darkness

Actor and sex symbol George Clooney giving a speech about how something needs to be done about there being no sun anymore

Robbie Floyd, a six year old with no previous criminal record, reportedly made the sun disappear late last afternoon while sitting in the backseat of his mother’s motorized vehicle, sending the whole world into complete darkness. Reports have stated that little Robbie accomplished this act of terrorism by raising his thumb approximately 4.5 inches from his face and then placing his thumb in such a way that it “blotted out the sun.” As the world nears its twenty fourth hour of total darkness, the American Agency Against Attacks Against America, or AAAAAA, has reportedly taken action to have Robbie prosecuted within the next couple days or so. Robbie is expected to plead not-guilty, but with the world in total fucking darkness, the prosecution should not have trouble finding evidence to send this son of a bitch to jail for a long time.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Olsen-esque twin switch ends in tragic death

What started out as an adorable scheme to fool their friends made by identical, nine year old twins, Sasha and Lori Higgins, ended in unfortunate tragedy late last night. While the two are identical in physical appearance, and were seemingly equally adorable, Lori Higgins apparently hid a “dark and unholy life” from her family. While Lori would have cute little tea parties in which all the fluffiest toy bears were invited by day, by night she would wander the streets, selling herself unremorsefully for heroine and fun. Early reports have stated that although Lori gave the illusion of being a girl so sweet she could be, quote, “nectar,” this could not be any further from the truth, therefore being a substance more like “un-nectar” or “non-nectar.”

Reportedly the girls switched places at around 4 p.m. yesterday evening, in order to play a “totally awesome” trick on their friends. All went according to plan, until the weight of all Lori’s un-holiness came ripping through Sasha from the hand-gun of an angry client of Lori’s who mistook Sasha for her sister. An eye witness at the scene, who wishes to remain anonymous said it was “the

A drawing made by Lori, which depicts her sister (farthest left) and Lori with one of her clients standing naked, pulling a wheelbarrow

most adorable thing [he] had ever seen, the way those two acted just like Mary-Kate and Ashley in the movies was just precious,” then Steve Grings (address 45321 Hallibut Way, WA) went on to say, “but then Sasha got shot, and that wasn’t as adorable.”

For two whole years Lori apparently span the wheelbarrow of deception, but with the tragedy last night, her website of lies finally came crashing down.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Americans amused at how poor the referees of football in Europe are

Incomplete pass

According to a recent double-blind study, Americans are quite amused by how awful the referees of European football are in comparison to “superiorly-trained” American referees. According to the study, the complete disregard for rules by European referees is quite baffling to most Americans, especially to die-hard football fans. One such fan, Lou Fenty, a car mechanic in lower Pittsburgh and an excellent lover, was quoted as saying, “the ref just lets them kick the ball around with their feet instead of ever lining both teams up, and actually starting the game. It is absolutely ridiculous.”

Field goal attempt?

When asked for a statement, European football star, Christiano Ronaldo, refused to say whether or not Europe would shape up anytime soon, and instead was quoted as saying, “bliddy Americans.”

In a related poll, 72% of Americans thought it was “very odd” that David Beckham, being notoriously a great football player, chose to forgo a promising NFL career within the United States to instead play a completely unrelated and “stupid” hobby such as soccer.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Stairway to Heaven finally completed

Not even close to the Stairway to Heaven

A stairway of “biblical” proportions was completed today within a small Iowanian town by a group of self-proclaimed “Led-heads” (another term for people who get totally tripped out of their minds). Although the group’s construction skills were completely nonexistent going into the project, this lack of traditional tradesmanship was made up for by what one member called “the greatest construction tools of all, the power of love and the tidings of harmony” but then added, “oh, and lots of weed.”

Early reports have been inconclusive on whether the “Big Man” views the stairway positively or negatively, which is mainly due to the fact that He and all others up “there” speak in “some crazy four dimensional language.” There have been some quotes made by “He” assumedly relating to the new stairway, but it is impossible to print them as they require three dimensional shaped type. Scientists have made guesses as to what would happen to a human if he/other were to comprehend the language even for a second and have concluded that some sort of combination of quote “head explosion/orgasm of big toes" would occur.

At print time, there was no word on if a “highway to hell” is also in the works.