Monday, October 13, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
This apparently is not the first time Mrs. Wesley has taken a personal vendetta upon an intrusive critter. A couple months back she was visited by a woodland squirrel which she described as, “absolutely precious,” and “unbearably cute.” But after a few weeks of gathering acorns, the squirrel apparently moved on to Mrs. Wesley’s bird feeder, which as Mrs. Wesley likes to point out,
Blood will soon be spilled by Mrs. Wesley
is clearly marked “For Those With Feathers Only.” Mrs. Wesley then said in regards to the squirrel, “so that’s when I
wrung its neck and fed the carcass to my dog.”
Hillary Shepherd, an expert on women from the ages of 55-60
who take some sort of violent actions upon small forest based
creatures, stated that there has been a rising trend of women aged 55-60 “making the streets run rampant with the blood of adorable little creatures.”
When asked why she is hiring someone else to kill the pesky rabbit instead of doing the killing herself, Mrs. Wesley replied, “I’ve already had my fair share of experiences of seeing little furry animals die slowly within my fingertips. Now it’s time to allow someone else to learn this joy.”
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Robbie Floyd, a six year old with no previous criminal record, reportedly made the sun disappear late last afternoon while sitting in the backseat of his mother’s motorized vehicle, sending the whole world into complete darkness. Reports have stated that little Robbie accomplished this act of terrorism by raising his thumb approximately 4.5 inches from his face and then placing his thumb in such a way that it “blotted out the sun.” As the world nears its twenty fourth hour of total darkness, the American Agency Against Attacks Against America, or AAAAAA, has reportedly taken action to have Robbie prosecuted within the next couple days or so. Robbie is expected to plead not-guilty, but with the world in total fucking darkness, the prosecution should not have trouble finding evidence to send this son of a bitch to jail for a long time.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Reportedly the girls switched places at around 4 p.m. yesterday evening, in order to play a “totally awesome” trick on their friends. All went according to plan, until the weight of all Lori’s un-holiness came ripping through Sasha from the hand-gun of an angry client of Lori’s who mistook Sasha for her sister. An eye witness at the scene, who wishes to remain anonymous said it was “the
A drawing made by Lori, which depicts her sister (farthest left) and Lori with one of her clients standing naked, pulling a wheelbarrow
most adorable thing [he] had ever seen, the way those two acted just like Mary-Kate and Ashley in the movies was just precious,” then Steve Grings (address 45321 Hallibut Way, WA) went on to say, “but then Sasha got shot, and that wasn’t as adorable.”
For two whole years Lori apparently span the wheelbarrow of deception, but with the tragedy last night, her website of lies finally came crashing down.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
According to a recent double-blind study, Americans are quite amused by how awful the referees of European football are in comparison to “superiorly-trained” American referees. According to the study, the complete disregard for rules by European referees is quite baffling to most Americans, especially to die-hard football fans. One such fan, Lou Fenty, a car mechanic in lower
When asked for a statement, European football star, Christiano Ronaldo, refused to say whether or not
In a related poll, 72% of Americans thought it was “very odd” that David Beckham, being notoriously a great football player, chose to forgo a promising NFL career within the United States to instead play a completely unrelated and “stupid” hobby such as soccer.
Monday, August 18, 2008
A stairway of “biblical” proportions was completed today within a small Iowanian town by a group of self-proclaimed “Led-heads” (another term for people who get totally tripped out of their minds). Although the group’s construction skills were completely nonexistent going into the project, this lack of traditional tradesmanship was made up for by what one member called “the greatest construction tools of all, the power of love and the tidings of harmony” but then added, “oh, and lots of weed.”
Early reports have been inconclusive on whether the “Big Man” views the stairway positively or negatively, which is mainly due to the fact that He and all others up “there” speak in “some crazy four dimensional language.” There have been some quotes made by “He” assumedly relating to the new stairway, but it is impossible to print them as they require three dimensional shaped type. Scientists have made guesses as to what would happen to a human if he/other were to comprehend the language even for a second and have concluded that some sort of combination of quote “head explosion/orgasm of big toes" would occur.
At print time, there was no word on if a “highway to hell” is also in the works.