Neutrogena Sunscreen announced earlier this morning that they have plans for a new promotional campaign promoting the benefits of global warming. Head spokesman Alan Reise, stated in a press conference earlier today that this campaign is still in the planning stages but will most likely include a series of television ads running throughout the central region of the
Reise also stated that a pagan-based religion will be formed to worship the “all-powerful” Global Warming, to go along with the television ads. “It will probably consist of multiple forms of
ritual sacrifice, most likely including the lighting of large amounts of styrofoam cups on fire, always taking the long way home while mandatorily driving an
H2 Hummer, and the killing of all first-borns.”
Reise then went on to also state that the only way to atone for sins within this new religion would be to buy
Neutrogena Ultra Sheer™ Dry-Touch Sunblock in bulk amounts.This announcement has been met with much criticism, with many stating that this is just a cheap attempt by Neutrogena to expand profits of their line of sunscreen products. When Reise was asked by a reporter to give a response to this criticism, he stated that he would give the same response he gave when criticized for the fact that Neutrogena’s factories refused to go “greener” several months ago. “The environment is bad for business, and the sooner we destroy it and send the Earth into an era where the oceans have gone dry and the rivers are flowing with liquid magma, the better off business will be.”
Reise ended the conference by reminding the congregation that humans had killed off a certain divine being once before, and challenged them not to make the same mistake twice.
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