Americans shocked by the news that the U.S. Soccer team did not win Euro 08

Recent studies report that the majority of Americans are “quite surprised” that the United States Soccer team failed to come out on top in the European competition, which recently took place in the “countries” of Austria and Switzerland. Upon learning about the team’s failure to win this European competition, many Americans were reported as saying that they just assumed

Disgruntled from their recent failure to even qualify for the 2008 European competition

America won every sports event and that this failure to win Euro 08 was “very humbling.”

There were a few patriots, however, who were not ready to be brought down a peg by this recent United States failure. Instead, those resilient insisted that the U.S. soccer team did not in fact count as true Americans as their sport was, quote, “for sissies.” Garth Andrews, a long-time member of the NRA
and an avid “real” football fan, expressed his frustration through a drunken rant, saying, “this is why no one cares about soccer. If they can’t even beat some country which I haven’t even heard of but sounds completely delicious named Turkey, then there must be something wrong with the program.”

Others were not necessarily “mad” at the United States soccer team, rather “very disappointed.” Harold West, who reportedly became a fan of soccer when he bought a jersey of that guy married to that girl from that band, said that as a soccer fan he was going to stick to watching the MLS (apparently a “professional” soccer league in the United States) because at least by the end of the game “you know the United States is going to come out on top.”

When told that Germany was one of the teams that made it to the final of Euro 08, many puzzled Americans responded with saying “didn’t we destroy that country after WWII?”