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Olympic opening ceremonies to be filmed in night vision

Beijing at 1 p.m.

With the levels of smog and pollution that exist within China, constantly darkening the sky to night-esque proportions, a decision has been made by the “execs” (short for executives) at NBC to film the opening ceremonies using night vision lenses. Reportedly, NBC had been pressuring China to install a brighter lighting system within the Olympic stadium for months in order to avoid such a drastic decision such as this, but these requests were repeatedly denied. Rumor geishas ("geisha" is a Chinese themed term for whore) have circulated speculations that the reason behind these denials is that Chinese officials believe brighter lights will illuminate just how terrible a country China actually is.

Despite the fact that the ceremonies will be embarrassingly broadcasted with night vision lenses, speculated ratings for the opening ceremonies are still predicted to be “as vast as the Great Wall,” according to Xing Ma, the Official Olympic Games Opening Ceremonies Television Ratings Speculator or OOGOCTRS. “Although,” Ma continued, “this is probably because the Chinese government is forcing us to keep our eyes glued to the telescreens upon punishment of death.”

In other related news, the Chinese Olympic team will not be walking during the opening ceremonies because the coaches do not want to, quote, “poison their athletes.”

Grandmother claims she’s actually 24 at her last (maybe?) birthday party, sympathetic but knowing glances ensue around the room

Betsy Houlihan, a grandmother living within the tri-state area, made fallacious claims of being much younger than she actually appears (and is) at a birthday party thrown for her by her four children last week. Although the children, whose ages range from 45-52, initially appeared to go along with this statement without hesitation, many raised eyebrows, satirical smiles, and glances that “said it all” were soon made around the room. “On one hand I think it’s kind of cute,” said David Houlihan, one of Betsy’s sons, “but on the other hand I don’t want mom to teach my kids to be filthy liars.” Reports were initially unclear as to whether Betsy meant for the comment to be ironic or whether she actually believed she was 24, but what is certain is that no matter which one, she is still very old.

Commemorative mural will depict "all" of the United States Presidents

The Library of Congress has reportedly ordered the creation of a larger-than-life mural which will depict all United States Presidents, past and present, in the nude. Reports from the Library have reportedly stated in a report based manner that the nakedness of the presidents is intended to convey a deeply enriched metaphor for their great strength and “bulging” fertility and that “keeping taste” will be of the utmost concern during the commencement of the penis drawing.

Luis Vasguez, head painter of this project, says that to achieve optimal accuracy, he will be having those presidents still alive over to his studio to do some “standard” nude modeling and possibly “drink some orange juice.” Vasguez went on to say that as he has also been commissioned to paint the United States presidents of the future, he will not be voting for John McCain this time around as, quote, “I really, really don’t want to see that man naked.”

After another humiliating defeat, the last place Washington Nationals remind reporters that they do other things besides baseball

Exiting the locker room after a 7-2 loss to the Milwaukee Brewers last Tuesday, the Washington Nationals wanted to make it clear that they “have a vast array of talents outside the realm of baseball” and that “people tend to forget that a player such as Ryan Zimmerman does more than just poorly throw balls and swing sticks, he also makes a mean lasagna!” The team also collectively went on to defend their recent losing streak by stating that they “have been putting more attention into their other interests/hobbies lately and that baseball has been really a second priority at best.” When asked if they were going to put baseball back as their number one priority anytime soon, the team responded with accusing reporters of not being their mothers and proceeded to say that that was none of their business.

Group of bridesmaids are sure of it, ring bearer and flower girl are destined to be together forever and ever

Billy Johansson, age 8, and Katrina Reid, age 5, are going to be together for ever and ever, according to the bridesmaids of a recent wedding in which the two children played the roles of ring bearer and flower girl. The apparent love connection was first noticed when the two children walked into the pre-night wedding reception with locked hands, a move that awarded them “cutest couple, ever.” Speaking upon the incident, Sheila Hill, one of the bridesmaids and an amateur artist, said that “the way they held hands as they entered the reception, I could tell it in little Billy’s eyes, he never wanted to let go.” It was also reported that after much prompting, Katrina was also coaxed into giving Billy a kiss on the cheek, a kiss that, according to a few eyewitnesses, “could melt anyone’s heart or at the very least give them a lovely little heart attack.”

Although their ages are separated by a full three years, the bridesmaids do not feel this will be a problem, in fact, they believe Katrina may be into the “older man” dynamic as they spotted her giving hugs freely to any uncle who wanted one. Debbie Teller, another bridesmaid, was quoted as saying, “I just hope Billy can handle such a free spirit like Katrina, because lets be honest, she’s kind of a slut.”

McCain announces Tim Russert as VP

Republican presidential nominee, John McCain, announced in a press conference earlier this morning that he has named Tim Russert as his running mate for the race to the white house. Following this announcement, in which Mr. Russert could not attend because he is dead, McCain explained his reasoning as just another move for his “straight talk express” campaign agenda. McCain was then quoted as saying, “throughout this campaign I have been straight as an arrow with the American people and today is no different as I set another benchmark for straightness. I have chosen Russert as my running mate as his recent activities show an accurate insight as to what my presidency will consist of.” When asked if the recent activity he was referring to was Tim Russert’s death, McCain solemnly nodded his head and once again boasted how straight he was.

McCain’s campaign advisor, Steve Schmidt, also went on to say that they believe Russert is the right choice as he will bring in the American “dead” vote, stating, “most people are unaware of this, but the majority of human bodies residing within the United States are dead.”

To counter the announcement by the McCain campaign, which was made while sipping champagne in the rain outside Spain (actually in lower Maine) which also included talks on McCain’s potential American reign, the Obama campaign announced that 50 cent would be his vice presidential running mate, stating that he wanted to show voters that as president he would be, quote, a “fucking P.I.M.P.”