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Local woman offering $500 for the head of the rabbit that’s been nipping at her petunias all summer

Cathy Wesley, a 57 year old woman living within the area, has recently posted fliers announcing a $500 dollar reward for anyone who can produce the head of a certain “pesky rabbit” who has been ruining her garden for the past couple months. Mrs. Wesley told reporters on the scene that at first she viewed the appearance of the rabbit among her flowers as “an adorable addition,” but over time the rabbit drove her to a point where she now believes it, quote, “just needs to be killed as soon as possible and preferably in front of its children so they don’t come back either.”

This apparently is not the first time Mrs. Wesley has taken a personal vendetta upon an intrusive critter. A couple months back she was visited by a woodland squirrel which she described as, “absolutely precious,” and “unbearably cute.” But after a few weeks of gathering acorns, the squirrel apparently moved on to Mrs. Wesley’s bird feeder, which as Mrs. Wesley likes to point out,

Blood will soon be spilled by Mrs. Wesley

is clearly marked “For Those With Feathers Only.” Mrs. Wesley then said in regards to the squirrel, “so that’s when I
wrung its neck and fed the carcass to my dog.”

Hillary Shepherd, an expert on women from the ages of 55-60
who take some sort of violent actions upon small forest based
creatures, stated that there has been a rising trend of women aged 55-60 “making the streets run rampant with the blood of adorable little creatures.”

When asked why she is hiring someone else to kill the pesky rabbit instead of doing the killing herself, Mrs. Wesley replied, “I’ve already had my fair share of experiences of seeing little furry animals die slowly within my fingertips. Now it’s time to allow someone else to learn this joy.”

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Sun disappears behind child’s raised thumb, Earth thrown into total darkness

Actor and sex symbol George Clooney giving a speech about how something needs to be done about there being no sun anymore

Robbie Floyd, a six year old with no previous criminal record, reportedly made the sun disappear late last afternoon while sitting in the backseat of his mother’s motorized vehicle, sending the whole world into complete darkness. Reports have stated that little Robbie accomplished this act of terrorism by raising his thumb approximately 4.5 inches from his face and then placing his thumb in such a way that it “blotted out the sun.” As the world nears its twenty fourth hour of total darkness, the American Agency Against Attacks Against America, or AAAAAA, has reportedly taken action to have Robbie prosecuted within the next couple days or so. Robbie is expected to plead not-guilty, but with the world in total fucking darkness, the prosecution should not have trouble finding evidence to send this son of a bitch to jail for a long time.

Olsen-esque twin switch ends in tragic death

What started out as an adorable scheme to fool their friends made by identical, nine year old twins, Sasha and Lori Higgins, ended in unfortunate tragedy late last night. While the two are identical in physical appearance, and were seemingly equally adorable, Lori Higgins apparently hid a “dark and unholy life” from her family. While Lori would have cute little tea parties in which all the fluffiest toy bears were invited by day, by night she would wander the streets, selling herself unremorsefully for heroine and fun. Early reports have stated that although Lori gave the illusion of being a girl so sweet she could be, quote, “nectar,” this could not be any further from the truth, therefore being a substance more like “un-nectar” or “non-nectar.”

Reportedly the girls switched places at around 4 p.m. yesterday evening, in order to play a “totally awesome” trick on their friends. All went according to plan, until the weight of all Lori’s un-holiness came ripping through Sasha from the hand-gun of an angry client of Lori’s who mistook Sasha for her sister. An eye witness at the scene, who wishes to remain anonymous said it was “the


A drawing made by Lori, which depicts her sister (farthest left) and Lori with one of her clients standing naked, pulling a wheelbarrow

most adorable thing [he] had ever seen, the way those two acted just like Mary-Kate and Ashley in the movies was just precious,” then Steve Grings (address 45321 Hallibut Way, WA) went on to say, “but then Sasha got shot, and that wasn’t as adorable.”

For two whole years Lori apparently span the wheelbarrow of deception, but with the tragedy last night, her website of lies finally came crashing down.

Americans amused at how poor the referees of football in Europe are

Incomplete pass

According to a recent double-blind study, Americans are quite amused by how awful the referees of European football are in comparison to “superiorly-trained” American referees. According to the study, the complete disregard for rules by European referees is quite baffling to most Americans, especially to die-hard football fans. One such fan, Lou Fenty, a car mechanic in lower Pittsburgh and an excellent lover, was quoted as saying, “the ref just lets them kick the ball around with their feet instead of ever lining both teams up, and actually starting the game. It is absolutely ridiculous.”

Field goal attempt?

When asked for a statement, European football star, Christiano Ronaldo, refused to say whether or not Europe would shape up anytime soon, and instead was quoted as saying, “bliddy Americans.”

In a related poll, 72% of Americans thought it was “very odd” that David Beckham, being notoriously a great football player, chose to forgo a promising NFL career within the United States to instead play a completely unrelated and “stupid” hobby such as soccer.

Stairway to Heaven finally completed

Not even close to the Stairway to Heaven

A stairway of “biblical” proportions was completed today within a small Iowanian town by a group of self-proclaimed “Led-heads” (another term for people who get totally tripped out of their minds). Although the group’s construction skills were completely nonexistent going into the project, this lack of traditional tradesmanship was made up for by what one member called “the greatest construction tools of all, the power of love and the tidings of harmony” but then added, “oh, and lots of weed.”

Early reports have been inconclusive on whether the “Big Man” views the stairway positively or negatively, which is mainly due to the fact that He and all others up “there” speak in “some crazy four dimensional language.” There have been some quotes made by “He” assumedly relating to the new stairway, but it is impossible to print them as they require three dimensional shaped type. Scientists have made guesses as to what would happen to a human if he/other were to comprehend the language even for a second and have concluded that some sort of combination of quote “head explosion/orgasm of big toes" would occur.

At print time, there was no word on if a “highway to hell” is also in the works.

The Staff of GNN is going on a week long vacation...we'll get you something nice!

Olympic opening ceremonies to be filmed in night vision

Beijing at 1 p.m.

With the levels of smog and pollution that exist within China, constantly darkening the sky to night-esque proportions, a decision has been made by the “execs” (short for executives) at NBC to film the opening ceremonies using night vision lenses. Reportedly, NBC had been pressuring China to install a brighter lighting system within the Olympic stadium for months in order to avoid such a drastic decision such as this, but these requests were repeatedly denied. Rumor geishas ("geisha" is a Chinese themed term for whore) have circulated speculations that the reason behind these denials is that Chinese officials believe brighter lights will illuminate just how terrible a country China actually is.

Despite the fact that the ceremonies will be embarrassingly broadcasted with night vision lenses, speculated ratings for the opening ceremonies are still predicted to be “as vast as the Great Wall,” according to Xing Ma, the Official Olympic Games Opening Ceremonies Television Ratings Speculator or OOGOCTRS. “Although,” Ma continued, “this is probably because the Chinese government is forcing us to keep our eyes glued to the telescreens upon punishment of death.”

In other related news, the Chinese Olympic team will not be walking during the opening ceremonies because the coaches do not want to, quote, “poison their athletes.”

Grandmother claims she’s actually 24 at her last (maybe?) birthday party, sympathetic but knowing glances ensue around the room

Betsy Houlihan, a grandmother living within the tri-state area, made fallacious claims of being much younger than she actually appears (and is) at a birthday party thrown for her by her four children last week. Although the children, whose ages range from 45-52, initially appeared to go along with this statement without hesitation, many raised eyebrows, satirical smiles, and glances that “said it all” were soon made around the room. “On one hand I think it’s kind of cute,” said David Houlihan, one of Betsy’s sons, “but on the other hand I don’t want mom to teach my kids to be filthy liars.” Reports were initially unclear as to whether Betsy meant for the comment to be ironic or whether she actually believed she was 24, but what is certain is that no matter which one, she is still very old.

Commemorative mural will depict "all" of the United States Presidents

The Library of Congress has reportedly ordered the creation of a larger-than-life mural which will depict all United States Presidents, past and present, in the nude. Reports from the Library have reportedly stated in a report based manner that the nakedness of the presidents is intended to convey a deeply enriched metaphor for their great strength and “bulging” fertility and that “keeping taste” will be of the utmost concern during the commencement of the penis drawing.

Luis Vasguez, head painter of this project, says that to achieve optimal accuracy, he will be having those presidents still alive over to his studio to do some “standard” nude modeling and possibly “drink some orange juice.” Vasguez went on to say that as he has also been commissioned to paint the United States presidents of the future, he will not be voting for John McCain this time around as, quote, “I really, really don’t want to see that man naked.”

After another humiliating defeat, the last place Washington Nationals remind reporters that they do other things besides baseball

Exiting the locker room after a 7-2 loss to the Milwaukee Brewers last Tuesday, the Washington Nationals wanted to make it clear that they “have a vast array of talents outside the realm of baseball” and that “people tend to forget that a player such as Ryan Zimmerman does more than just poorly throw balls and swing sticks, he also makes a mean lasagna!” The team also collectively went on to defend their recent losing streak by stating that they “have been putting more attention into their other interests/hobbies lately and that baseball has been really a second priority at best.” When asked if they were going to put baseball back as their number one priority anytime soon, the team responded with accusing reporters of not being their mothers and proceeded to say that that was none of their business.

Group of bridesmaids are sure of it, ring bearer and flower girl are destined to be together forever and ever

Billy Johansson, age 8, and Katrina Reid, age 5, are going to be together for ever and ever, according to the bridesmaids of a recent wedding in which the two children played the roles of ring bearer and flower girl. The apparent love connection was first noticed when the two children walked into the pre-night wedding reception with locked hands, a move that awarded them “cutest couple, ever.” Speaking upon the incident, Sheila Hill, one of the bridesmaids and an amateur artist, said that “the way they held hands as they entered the reception, I could tell it in little Billy’s eyes, he never wanted to let go.” It was also reported that after much prompting, Katrina was also coaxed into giving Billy a kiss on the cheek, a kiss that, according to a few eyewitnesses, “could melt anyone’s heart or at the very least give them a lovely little heart attack.”

Although their ages are separated by a full three years, the bridesmaids do not feel this will be a problem, in fact, they believe Katrina may be into the “older man” dynamic as they spotted her giving hugs freely to any uncle who wanted one. Debbie Teller, another bridesmaid, was quoted as saying, “I just hope Billy can handle such a free spirit like Katrina, because lets be honest, she’s kind of a slut.”

McCain announces Tim Russert as VP

Republican presidential nominee, John McCain, announced in a press conference earlier this morning that he has named Tim Russert as his running mate for the race to the white house. Following this announcement, in which Mr. Russert could not attend because he is dead, McCain explained his reasoning as just another move for his “straight talk express” campaign agenda. McCain was then quoted as saying, “throughout this campaign I have been straight as an arrow with the American people and today is no different as I set another benchmark for straightness. I have chosen Russert as my running mate as his recent activities show an accurate insight as to what my presidency will consist of.” When asked if the recent activity he was referring to was Tim Russert’s death, McCain solemnly nodded his head and once again boasted how straight he was.

McCain’s campaign advisor, Steve Schmidt, also went on to say that they believe Russert is the right choice as he will bring in the American “dead” vote, stating, “most people are unaware of this, but the majority of human bodies residing within the United States are dead.”

To counter the announcement by the McCain campaign, which was made while sipping champagne in the rain outside Spain (actually in lower Maine) which also included talks on McCain’s potential American reign, the Obama campaign announced that 50 cent would be his vice presidential running mate, stating that he wanted to show voters that as president he would be, quote, a “fucking P.I.M.P.”

Guava News Network will be taking a week long hiatus from daily posting. We at the network apologize that you now have to go to alternative sources

Area man experiences fist bump for the first time

Thomas Freedy, a twenty three year old financial planner, experienced a fist bump for the first time in his life yesterday, an experience he was quoted as saying, “has changed his life.” Lookers-on at the scene reported that Thomas looked baffled and confused at first, and initially made a motion that “looked a lot like he was blocking a punch.” But with a little coercing from his new fist-bump-buddy he got the “hand-job” (slang for the action of bumping fists) done. Word was not initially received on how Thomas had lived for such a long period of time without experiencing the sensation of being “fisted,” but early reports say that it won’t be long before he gets pounded again.

Local area band sure next single will propel them to stardom

Local band, Earplanes, is reportedly already gearing up for the rock star life as they are sure it won’t be long until their new single is recognized on their Myspace page. One reason why the band believes this new song is sure to bring them success is because of its strict adherence to a formula used by many classic “stardom causing” songs such as the technique of the use of a progression of chords in a harmonious sounding melody and the use of instruments. The band reports that they have had a couple efforts before which received very little attention, but claim that “they weren’t really trying,” and that “they wrote them really late at night.” Band lead guitarist, Shredder Rose (real name Michael Gorbenstein), also went on to state that this new single has received much early acclaim, therefore reassuring their views that they will soon be living the high life of hotel smashing and STD contracting. According to Shredder, parents who have heard the single have said many encouraging praises such as “it’s nice” and “it’s pleasant” and even offered to bake them homemade cookies.

Family of four says they feel "down right cheated" by a Ramada Inn’s "outright betrayal" of their trust

A family of four, who recently experienced a one night stay within a Ramada Inn, claims that a Ramadian promise of a stay that would be “the most comfortable they’ve ever been,” was not quite upheld. Although the family admits that the stay was quite comfortable, it was “nowhere near the comfortableness promised by the suite,” and that the comfortability levels were “simply just sub-pristine.” The father of the family went on to say that although only 3 or 4 other guests were in the somewhat large pool, he has stayed in hotels which had pools with an average of half that number, stating an estimate of 1.5 to 2 people at all times. Then, reflecting on that average, he chuckled at how amusing a 1.5 guest would be, but then got serious and said, “actually that could be quite tragic.”

Americans shocked by the news that the U.S. Soccer team did not win Euro 08

Recent studies report that the majority of Americans are “quite surprised” that the United States Soccer team failed to come out on top in the European competition, which recently took place in the “countries” of Austria and Switzerland. Upon learning about the team’s failure to win this European competition, many Americans were reported as saying that they just assumed

Disgruntled from their recent failure to even qualify for the 2008 European competition

America won every sports event and that this failure to win Euro 08 was “very humbling.”

There were a few patriots, however, who were not ready to be brought down a peg by this recent United States failure. Instead, those resilient insisted that the U.S. soccer team did not in fact count as true Americans as their sport was, quote, “for sissies.” Garth Andrews, a long-time member of the NRA
and an avid “real” football fan, expressed his frustration through a drunken rant, saying, “this is why no one cares about soccer. If they can’t even beat some country which I haven’t even heard of but sounds completely delicious named Turkey, then there must be something wrong with the program.”

Others were not necessarily “mad” at the United States soccer team, rather “very disappointed.” Harold West, who reportedly became a fan of soccer when he bought a jersey of that guy married to that girl from that band, said that as a soccer fan he was going to stick to watching the MLS (apparently a “professional” soccer league in the United States) because at least by the end of the game “you know the United States is going to come out on top.”

When told that Germany was one of the teams that made it to the final of Euro 08, many puzzled Americans responded with saying “didn’t we destroy that country after WWII?”

Neutrogena Sunscreen starts campaign promoting global warming

Neutrogena Sunscreen announced earlier this morning that they have plans for a new promotional campaign promoting the benefits of global warming. Head spokesman Alan Reise, stated in a press conference earlier today that this campaign is still in the planning stages but will most likely include a series of television ads running throughout the central region of the United States. “We just want the people of these areas to realize that with cooperation with the almighty Global Warming, their housing situation can go from cookie cutter suburbia into a utopian beachfront property.”

Reise also stated that a pagan-based religion will be formed to worship the “all-powerful” Global Warming, to go along with the television ads. “It will probably consist of multiple forms of ritual sacrifice, most likely including the lighting of large amounts of styrofoam cups on fire, always taking the long way home while mandatorily driving an

man worshipping global warming

H2 Hummer, and the killing of all first-borns.”

Reise then went on to also state that the only way to atone for sins within this new religion would be to buy Neutrogena Ultra Sheer^™ Dry-Touch Sunblock in bulk amounts.

This announcement has been met with much criticism, with many stating that this is just a cheap attempt by Neutrogena to expand profits of their line of sunscreen products. When Reise was asked by a reporter to give a response to this criticism, he stated that he would give the same response he gave when criticized for the fact that Neutrogena’s factories refused to go “greener” several months ago. “The environment is bad for business, and the sooner we destroy it and send the Earth into an era where the oceans have gone dry and the rivers are flowing with liquid magma, the better off business will be.”

Reise ended the conference by reminding the congregation that humans had killed off a certain divine being once before, and challenged them not to make the same mistake twice.